For Today...November 17, 2009

Outside my window...the sun is low and there is absolutely no wind or cars driving by. The only thing moving is the pendant on the wind chime, swaying indifferently.

I am thinking about... the fact that I have a job interview at Starbucks tomorrow! I am really looking forward to (hopefully) not working at Express anymore and having my own benefits!

I am thankful for...God's presence in my life and the grace that he extends me daily. I am thankful for small victories. I am thankful for good days, but I'm trying to also be thankful for the bad ones. I am thankful for my family and friends. Most of all, I am so very thankful for my rock, my husband.

From the Kitchen...Rob and I have eaten so well lately! We have cooked ribeye, pork chops with spiced apple pan sauce, lettuce wraps and ratatouille! Some of those have been more successful and tasty than others, but cooking is fun! Next I want to do attempt some holiday baking...yum.

I am wearing...jeans and a pink shirt, no shoes. I wore my cute brown skirt suit to work with the pink shirt.

I am reading...On the Road by Jack Kerouac and really enjoying it so far. I've read more books for fun since I've been married than I have read in years: Both Pygmy and Lullaby by the criminally insane but brilliant Chuck Palahuniuk, The Road by the amazing Cormac McCarthy, Coraline by Neil Gaiman, Weetzie Bat by Francesca Lia Block... and I started Pride and Prejudice but I really haven't liked it that much. It's nice to have time to read for fun again.

I am praying...for patience, self-confidence, and contentment...and a good job with benefits!

I am hoping...to get the Starbucks job because it would mean a little more money coming in every month! Money isn't everything, but the bill collectors don't know that!

I am creating...not as much as I want to! I want to write and craft more. I am wanting to make all my Christmas presents to save money, so I am looking forward to that!

Around the house...I cleaned yesterday, so it actually looks pretty good! Gus is snoozing under the dining table and Oprah is on...things are always so exciting around here!

One of my favorite things...uncontrollably laughing with my husband.

As I predicted, I have not blogged for a while. I have considered writing a new entry multiple times, but I have often been too overwhelmed with all of the changes in my life to sit and write them down. So this one will be a doozie, but bear with me.

PART ONE... WE'RE MARRIED!

On July 11, I married my best friend.



I love him so so much. Marriage is such a strange and beautiful thing--having one person who fulfills all of my needs for love and companionship is the closest thing to perfection on Earth. I loved Rob before we were married, but now, I feel like I understand Song of Solomon a little bit more ;-).



The wedding was so perfect. I was surrounded by my best friends and my amazing family, who couldn't have been more awesome and helpful. I know I could not have gotten through the week before the wedding without them.



My bridesmaids were TOTALLY AWESOME and we had the best time getting ready and giggling a lot.



I also have to mention my ushers/bodyguards Mark and Aaron, who I do not get to see enough! These boys are the light of my life and I want to shrink them and keep them in my pocket. Unfortunately, science has not made this possible.


This cute little thing, however, just about fits in your pocket.


The wedding day was just about perfect. Some issues with the photographer have since plagued us, but as you can see, the pictures that we DO have turned out rather well! Here's another one of the cutie:

And these silly boys were there too...


My amazing brother was our minister and we were both so happy to have him be such an important part of our day. He made our ceremony so very special and we love him so much!

And now I have a big new family!!


We honeymooned in San Antonio, where we

• stayed in an awesome hotel.
• saw three cool movies
• spent all day at Schlitterbahn (without getting sunburnt)
• got bored at Fiesta Texas
• ate way too much delicious Mexican food and celebrated being finally together in Texas. (by the way, 2/3 of those restaurant web sites feature Tejano music... I'm just saying).
• other things happened too, but they are none of your business!

PART TWO: I'M A BIG KID NOW

Once we returned from the honeymoon, unpacked our gifts and organized our bitchin' new apartment, we hit the job hunt hard. Rob waited tables all summer at Joe's Crap Shack (oops...Freudian slip?) and we both applied for HUNDREDS of jobs in schools. Out of all of our applications, we had two interviews each all summer. TWO! So very sad. Fortunately, Rob's second interview for an instructional aide job in Leander ISD was successful and now he loves his job! I had two aide job interviews with no success and started applying for sundry entry-level positions with benefits.

One Friday, frustrated with my lack of prospects, I went to Lakeline Mall and dropped off applications at a few stores. I got a call from Express the following Monday and had a job working in the back there within a few days. It's minimum wage, but they give me a lot of hours at least.

Okay, here's where God came in.

Around the same time that I got the job at Express, I had an interview for a teller position at Bank of America. The interview did not result in a job (because I really could care less about "the banking experience") but the recruiter liked me. She had a friend who is a teacher in Pflugerville ISD and gave me her contact info. The recruiter's teacher friend told me about the AVID program that PISD (yes, the best acronym ever) has in all of their schools, and told me that they hire tutors. She forwarded my resume to the coordinator, who called me in for an interview and gave me the job! So because of one silly group interview at B of A, I have a second job that I love!

So Tuesdays and Thursdays I work at Pflugerville Middle School with awesome students and an awesome teacher, and I unpack boxes at Express the rest of the week. It's not what I thought I would be doing at this point in my life, but I am trusting God and moving forward with whatever He gives me.

The fact is I have so many sweet things to focus on in my life. I do get sad occasionally, but then I look at this guy and things seem to instantly improve.


He is my best friend. And I love him.

"i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you"
-ee cummings

Since I am terrible about updating this thing, I am sure that the next time I blog, I will be a married woman. :-)

Preparations for the wedding are almost taken care of. My dress fits and is snugly in its long white bag on the back of the other bedroom door in my parents' house along with a pair of shoes. The garter, ring, and pearls (courtesy of Mom, Dad and Memaw) are in a "survival kit" in a huge pile of wedding-related paraphernalia in the office.

Somewhere in all that crap is a wedding...

I have been trying to avoid the stress of other non-related issues because thinking too long about it makes me depressed. Not having a job stinks. Seeing jobs I have applied for and contacted principals for and lobbied for close without even getting a call stinks. I worry that it's not going to work out this year. And that's okay if it's all God's plan, but if it's something I am failing or have failed to do, then it's not okay! I know it's early, but I just hate having to WAIT! Even if I don't teach this fall, I'll find something to do for a living until a job becomes available. I've applied at several banks and for teaching aid positions as well.

As my mind has slipped further into despair, the love of my life gave me some encouragement the other night. Paraphrasing, "You'll survive, even if it doesn't work out like you'd hoped. Plus you get to marry me in a week so quit your bitching!" (or something like that). I love that man. He really does call me out when I'm being irrational and I love him for it. I need this man in my life, and he's right, I do get to marry him in a week! :-)

So with a new perspective, I am going to not worry about not having a job for the next two weeks. I am going to just enjoy the company of the multitude of family and wonderful friends who are coming to celebrate with us. Here is a rough itinerary of the following week:

• This weekend: Go to storage unit, compile important stuff to be moved to Austin. Clean house. Buy gifts for Mark Bailey (usher) and parentals (all other gifts are ordered and on their way!). Write vows. Celebrate the Fourth with Daryl and the family.
  
• Monday: Andy, Claire & Savy arrive. Do girly things with Claire and Savy. Talk music and marriage counseling with Andy.
• Tuesday: Make FINAL flower arrangement after blue hydrangeas arrive in mail. Hang out with Granjack and Sissie, who are driving in from Magnolia, TX. Squeal with delight when Jamy Lynn Gillespie arrives. Go make fabulousness with Jamy.
• Wednesday: Make out with Rob as soon as he arrives. Sorry Mom and Dad. We're about to finally be married!!
• Thursday: MARRIAGE LICENSE! Audrey and Derek arrive in all their sun-kissed glory, having just traveled to Mexico. Rob's parents and sisters arrive. Bachelorette soiree: mani/pedis, McGuire's Irish Pub dinner, sign dollar bills for McGuire's ceiling; lingerie shower perhaps?
• Friday: Trip to Sam's (how in the world could I have never been exposed to the wonders of Sam's Club till now?!) for food. Decorate chapel/reception area. Laine, Jesse, Mark Bailey and Aaron arrive. Too much joy and exhileration at having so many of my dear dear friends so close! Kool-aid dance with Aaron at some point I'm sure. Rehearsal not to exceed 1 hour! (I have no patience for such tomfoolery!); Rehearsal dinner (YUMMO TIME). Possible late movie with young'uns if we're up for it; hair practice with Mark; a good night's rest (or at least lying in bed for several hours in the dark).
• Saturday: GAME TIME! Up by 6 for a good breakfast/quiet time/phone call to my future husband. Hair with Mark. Makeup. Relaxation with family and my smokin hot bridal party before we go to the church. At chapel by 11:30. Put on the white dress. Pictures with girls and parents. Waiting around for 2 PM and the music of Sigur Ros to begin...

That's pretty much the rough plan for now till the wedding. My husband and I will leave Sunday morning for our honeymoon in San Antonio and no one will be hearing from us for a while!

I cannot wait to be Amy Catherine Crowl. And it's only one week away.

Sorry for all the sadness in the last blog. It was necessary.

---

On a happier note, Rob and I get married in 25 days!!!

These next few weeks are going to be very very busy for us, as neither of us have a teaching job secured for the fall. The job hunt officially started last Thursday when I drove to across the "Deliverance-land "(Alabama/Mississippi/Louisiana/Deep East Texas) to the unspeakably beautiful Texas hill country. Unfortunately, my camera is in a storage unit and I couldn't take any pictures of the drive, but that stretch of 290 from Brenham to Austin is probably the most beautiful stretch of road I've ever seen. Totally and utterly idyllic.

Friday the 6th was a job fair for Region 13. It was good to mingle and see all of the different schools that are out there. So far, no calls, but I am kicking it into high gear and trying to be aggressive. I'll find one eventually, I am just impatient because I'm getting married in less than a month. The next week I decided to stay in Austin, seeing as my Houston shower was the following weekend. So in between applying for jobs, I got to do some fun Austin-y things with Rob, Andy & Claire:

• Live Music (RFJ at Starbucks... great show!)
• Climb up the steps to Mount Bonnell and see a giant's eye view of Lake Austin
• Drive down 6th street; see a g-stringed guy on bicycle
• Devour a Mighty Fine Burger and Vanilla Shake (Totally worth the bloatedness afterward)
• Eat at Waterloo Ice House
• Shop at the Round Rock Outlet
• Eat yummy frozen custard concoction at Shakes in Cedar Park
• Witness the ROT rally crowd all over Austin on their bikes
  

All of it adds up to the fact that I LOVE AUSTIN and can't wait to live there.

-

This weekend was great. Friday, Rob and I set out to look for an apartment. We loved the first place we looked and could hardly bear to look at any others before we were able to sign the papers on the first place. Despite all of the driving we did, plus the 90+ degree weather, it was a great day and highly productive. Our new apartment is FABulous (yes, I want you to emphasize the first syllable). We got a great deal on it, and it is definitely the most beautiful one we've seen in our search. Plus, it's only about three miles from Andy & Claire and in the same complex as my future sister in law, Heather! So excited to move in!

My first wedding shower was Saturday in Houston at Spring Creek Barbeque. Claire did a great job putting it all together (I am getting pointers for my other sisters' future bridal showers!) and it was so great to see everyone. Again, I do not have my camera, so I don't know what pictures were taken! Rob and I got a ton of great stuff for our new apartment. Andy and Claire took the gifts back to Austin to put in their garage for after Rob moves into the apartment.

After the shower, we went to Magnolia for some quality time with the Harveys. Savannah played with Nanny, Aunt Sissie's 19 year old cat, and it was probably the funniest thing I've ever seen. This old cat was so tolerant of Savy pulling on her fur and "clapping" her head. Savy screamed with delight the whole time and the cat did not run away. On the other hand, Gus, my cat, would have been on his way to Mexico by the time a loud baby tried to touch him!

Sunday morning, we drove back to Mobile so I can finish the wedding stuff, apply for jobs, email principals, and spend some time with Mom. We've gotten really used to being so close to each other that I can tell me moving to Austin will be an adjustment.

Still, I am so looking forward to me and Rob's new life in Austin. Our apartment is great, we love the city, and we WILL find jobs!!

-

I always like to end with a song, so how about this one from the Killers' newest album?

Your sky is full of dreams
But you don't know how to fly
I don't have asimple answer
But I know that I could answer
Something better...

Wait for it, wait for it, wait for it...

Preface: There are two songs that have profoundly affected me in these last few weeks and I want to share them with you, if you'll let me.

I turned 23 just a few weeks ago. For the last few years, I have greatly anticipated turning 23 because of a very special Jimmy Eat World song of that name. The day before I turned 23, feeling on top of the world, I had my last day of student teaching, and drove to Mobile blasting this song out of my windows. I cried then, feeling so relieved to be through such a huge part of my life, and finally feeling ready to be a "grownup."

I felt for sure last night
That once we said goodbye
No one else will know these lonely dreams
No one else will know that part of me
I'm still driving away
And I'm sorry every day
I won't always love these selfish things
I won't always live...
Not stopping...

It was my turn to decide
I knew this was our time
No one else will have me like you do
No one else will have me, only you

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

Amazing still it seems
I'll be 23
I won't always love what I'll never have
I won't always live in my regrets

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

A month has not even passed since I turned my favorite age, and I've experienced the hardest part of growing up already: losing a loved one. I saw Grannie the weekend I graduated and had a wonderful weekend with her. We laughed, like we always do, and even got choked up over the same card that my mom gave me that said, "I think you've found your wings." (Grannie read this blog and knew exactly what it meant.) At the funeral, many wonderful things were said about her, but to me, she was the embodiment of Jesus' greatest commandment: "Love one another, as I have also loved you." She was endlessly tolerant and unselfish, completely giving of herself and her resources for her "family", which included those who were related to her, and a special few who weren't. Losing her was sudden and unexpected, like being punched the stomach. From the moment Mom called and said she was in the hospital, I had this overwhelming feeling of loss and I immediately missed her. We drove 17 hours each way to Odessa for the viewing and funeral. As beautiful and well planned as the funeral was, nothing can fill that feeling of loss that tugs at me. It feels like a wound that will never heal. My heart breaks for Granjack, who I know feels infinitely more wounded than me or anyone else can feel about her loss.

There is another song that has suddenly become very important to me because of these recent events. I never really connected to the song till now. Rob has always loved it, and for some reason had been fixated on it in the weeks before Grannie passed. Mom called me as Grannie was in her final hours, saying that Granjack, Dad, his siblings, and several others who had gone to Sherman, were refusing to leave Grannie's side. At the time, I didn't understand how they could sit and watch her suffer. Dad agonizingly watched the monitors slowing down as she slipped away just before midnight on May 15. Rob later said that this song, "What Sarah Said" by Deathcab for Cutie, fully describes what he and his family all were going through. I know he is right.

And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak on the LCD took you a little farther away from me
Away from me

Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds
But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself

'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said
That "Love is watching someone die"

So who's going to watch you die?

I'm kind of homesick for a country
To which I've never been before.
No sad goodbyes will there be spoken
for time won't matter anymore.

Beulah Land, I'm longing for you
and some day on thee I'll stand.
There my home shall be eternal.
Beulah Land -- Sweet Beulah Land

I'm looking now across the river
where my faith will end in sight.
There's just a few more days to labor.
Then I will take my heavenly flight.

Beulah Land, I'm longing for you
and some day on thee I'll stand.
There my home shall be eternal.
Beulah Land -- Sweet Beulah Land

-

we love you. longing to see you again.

I'm pleased to say that this is my first blog as a graduate of the University of Alabama.

Last weekend's ceremony was long and boring, and made even more uncomfortable by the Elementary Ed graduate sitting next to me who kept violating my personal space. Insert Inner Monologue: This is my chair, that one is yours. Both are not yours. We must learn to share. Isn't that something you teach your elementary students? Also, if you would just shut up for five minutes and show some respect for the speakers and other honorees today, you would no longer be turned around in your chair talking to those behind you and, therefore, all up in my bid-ness!

After graduation, my whole family came back to my apartment and pigged out, which is the perfect cap to any celebration, if you ask me.

My LOVE has been in town all week long and I'm really getting used to him being here. We've been trying to get some important things accomplished while he's here; so far, we've taken care of his wedding band, the invitation design and wording, cleaning up our gift registries, and catching up with old friends. Quite productive. We still can't find bedding that we both love and is affordable. We found some beautiful bedding at Macy's, but holy cow it's expensive. Like, we could buy a bed and some nightstands with that money. However, if you would like to buy the bedding for us, dear reader, I would be forever grateful! :-) For now, we have decided to keep looking and just buy bedding later with cash we receive in wedding gifts.

Unfortunately, this weekend Rob will have to leave and return to his normal life and I will have to start packing up my apartment. Yikes. Moving is such a pain. However, I am looking forward to throwing/giving away things that I no longer need or use. It will be a cleansing experience, I'm sure.

Ta.

I mentioned a while back how much I love the new U2 record. One particular song, "White as Snow" is particularly resonant lately, especially in light of something that my pastor said a few weeks ago. Bono, in all his good-deed-doing, claims to not be into organized religion, but somehow, he always ends up to be a theologian in his lyric writing. Or maybe I'm just reading my faith into it, like I did with Radiohead's "Let Down" in a previous entry.

As boys we would go hunting in the woods
To sleep the night shooting out the stars.
Now the wolves are every passing stranger,
Every face we cannot know.
If only a heart could be as white as snow.
If only a heart could be as white as snow.

"Now the wolves are every passing stranger/ Every face we cannot know"-- the level of distrust and suspicion that we bring into our interpersonal communication results in a series of tactics of self-preservation with as little human interaction as possible. We ruin relationships before we even get a change to have them by seeking to avoid potential "wolves".

For example, as I was driving home this weekend for my dress fitting, I was in the left hand lane passing another car at about 7 miles over the speed limit. Another car rushed up behind me and came up very close to my bumper. Because I was unable to get over at the time, I just continue driving. When I looked again in my rear view mirror, it appeared that he was about to hit me. I slammed on my brakes (briefly, though) and honked my horn. I got over to the right hand lane as soon as I could. As he flew past me at 90 mph, HE flipped ME off! I was so mad that my reflexes, unfortunately, were not quick enough to return the gesture in time for him to see.

As I watched him speed ahead and exit a mile or so later, I thought, "That guy will always be the a-hole who flipped me off." To him, I will be "that slow female driver who almost made me hit her". I will never get to know that man, but in our brief encounter, we both chose to be hostile toward each other (me, toward his tailgating, and he, toward my "get-off-my-butt" driving tactics). Once I realized that I let my anger get in the way of showing the man some patience and undeserved courtesy, I was sad for the two of us. Now we both have lost another piece of faith in the human race. Lesson learned: while it's true--"Every face we cannot know", I need to show love, not hostility, to every "passing stranger".

With that said, here is the quotation from my church's bulletin on the 26th that REALLY got me thinking about such brief encounters. It's long, but it's worth it:

"It is easy to produce examples of the many ways in which Americans attempt to minimize, circumvent, or deny the interdependence upon which all human societies are based. We seek a private house, a private garden, a private laundry, self-service stores, and do-it yourself skills of every kind. An enormous technology seems to have set itself the task of making it nnecessary for one human being ever to ask anything of another in the course of going about his daily business. …We seek more and more privacy and feel more and more alienated and lonely when we get it. Our encounters with others tend increasingly to be competitive as a result of the search for privacy. We less and less often meet our fellow man to share and exchange, and more and more often encounter him as an impediment or a nuisance; making a highway crowded when we are rushing somewhere, cluttering or littering the beach or park or wood, pushing in front of us at the supermarket, taking the last parking place, polluting our air and water and so on. Because we have cut off so much communication with each other we keep bumping into each other, and thus a higher and higher percentage of our interpersonal contacts are abrasive."

-from Pursuit of Loneliness
Philip Slater

My last week went unbelievably well. I did have to stop a fight in another classroom while all the teachers were in a parent conference (By "stop a fight", I mean, I got an administrator out of the conference to page our SRO... I'm not stupid enough to get between two angry adolescents!). I remember when I first started student teaching, I would panic when Mrs. R left the classroom for a minute, fearing that something would happen and it would be my fault because I couldn't control the classroom. This last week as Mrs. R was in and out of the classroom, I finally realized that nothing would happen as long as I was in charge and for the first time, I really felt like a teacher! I figure if I can survive student teaching in an inner city school in an impoverished neighboorhood, I can make it anywhere.

I have been so blessed in my life. I truly can say I have everything I need. I have the love of my family, friends, and my future husband. As I graduate in two weeks, I have wondered what the transition to true adulthood will be like. Will I find a job? And furthermore, will I be good at it? Where will we live?

Yesterday, Rob was dealt an enormously unfair blow from his employer and is being let go. He hated the job and was eventually planning on quitting, but this is still a monstrously a-hole thing for his boss to do considering Rob worked well over 40 hours a week for very little pay. Pastors must be the hardest people to work for. If you have a hard time serving your pastor for personal reasons, people would say that you don't love God or that you don't have a servant's heart. Serving The Lord is one thing, but serving a pastor's every need no matter what time of day the phone rings is another. "Ego-stroker" should have been his job title. And then, 2 1/2 months before our wedding (only 3 months into the job, mind you), he gets let go. The timing could not be worse. I am thinking of new and inventive curse words to describe his boss as I type...

As upset as me, Rob, and our families are by this event, we are all trying to see this as a blessing. I know that if Rob continued to work at that church while we were married, his job might have come between us (especially if, like today, his boss calls him and makes him drive 1 1/2 hours to run an errand on his day off). Also, this gives Rob a chance to think about what he really wants to do with his life. We have always wanted to move to Austin, and we think that maybe this is our chance, so I have also started looking at teaching jobs in the Austin area.

It is times like these that I am reminded of what I first said: I have everything that I need. As my mom reminded me this morning, I don't have everything you want, but God does give me everything I need.

A lot of other things have happened lately, but they are not as pressing as Rob's job situation. For example, I am halfway through my unit on Short Stories, and while it's been hit-and-miss, it's been largely successful. I have decided to crack the whip on my Advanced students because they are lazy, so that has been fun! I am also eagerly anticipating my birthday this weekend, finals next week, and graduation on the 9th.

Since I feel that it fits the theme of this post so far, I will explain the title of my blog.

As I have said before, the wonders of Radiohead have run deeply through me in the last year or so. I tend to get fixated on a band or musician and only listen to them for a few months and then move on to something else. I can't shake Radiohead. For my birthday last year, I saw them in Atlanta and if I had no other ambition or people who I loved in life, I might follow them around and go to every show they perform. One of the songs that made me love them is called "Let Down". The song is actually pretty depressing (much of Radiohead seems that way), but there is a certain optimism to it. The song is about the boredom of waiting for something to happen and the often disappointing feeling that comes after it happens. One thing my dad has taught me is to expect nothing and not be disappointed. Well, that applies here. Though things may suck now, "one day I am gonna grow wings"; I will get married, I will have a good job, I will go to grad school, I will have children. Though I may never understand the "hysterical and useless"ness of it all, I am comfortable knowing that God is sovereign. Life without God is a series of disappoinments; God is the source of true fulfillment. He reminds me of that every day.

Anyway, it's probably a very skewed interpretation of a song by a band of agnostics/atheists/apathetics, but it's a beautiful song. And it's a beautiful life.

Transport, motorways and tramlines
Starting and then stopping
Taking off and landing
The emptiest of feelings
Disappointed people, clinging on to bottles
And when it comes it so, so disappointing

Let down and hanging around
Crushed like a bug in the ground
Let down and hanging around

Shell smashed, juices flowing
Wings twitch, legs are going
Don't get sentimental
It always ends up drivel
One day I am gonna grow wings
A chemical reaction, hysterical and useless
Hysterical and

Let down and hanging around
Crushed like a bug in the ground
Let down and hanging around

You know, you know where you are when
You know where you are when
Floor collapse and falling
Bouncing back and one day
I am gonna grow wings
A chemical reaction, hysterical and useless
Hysterical and

Let down and hanging around
Crushed like a bug in the ground
Let down and hanging around

Well, just a quick note before bed. The job fair, with all its hype and high expectations, was incredibly disappointing. Goose Creek CISD did not show up, like they had planned to. There were no other schools from Texas there. The whole thing was kind of a big waste of time, except I got to wear one of my cute new suits, curl my hair, and socialize while my friends went on interviews for schools in Alabama.

I did speak to a woman who teaches at Riverwood Classical School, a private school that is run out of the church I go to when I'm in town on the weekends. I don't have the time or the know how to explain what a classical school really is, but basically it's a model of developing in students logical and rhetorical skills while in the context of Western Civilization and Biblical teaching. I had a great conversation with the woman about teaching reading and writing strategies. Unfortunately, Riverwood is only K-6 (and, of course, they are in Alabama), but the woman showed me a link to where I could look for a Classical School in Houston to apply to. I may actually see what jobs are available, although I feel like my public education and my public educator training has left me vastly unprepared for such a job. Oh well.

However, I did just complete the MASSIVE application to Goose Creek CISD, with the exception of uploading some letters of recommendation. Dad was wonderful and contacted them when I called him crying about them not showing up (and me feeling like I had really set myself up for how disappointed I was). He got me two contacts who have told me to forward my information to them. Every little bit helps!

Just trying to trust God on this job situation. He has never let me down because I know that He is sovereign and has a plan. I will just have to be patient and wait to find out what that is.

The best part of all this is... SPRING BREAK IS ALMOST HERE! Yesssssss.

So, remember the dress fitting I was so excited about? Didn't happen. I got a phone call 3 1/2 hours before my appointment asking me to reschedule because they weren't going to be able to get around to doing my alterations yet. (Besides, my wedding isn't until July, I'm sure I wouldn't mind waiting.) Never mind that they've had my dress for A MONTH, which apparently is not enough time to alter it in. I was so disappointed and upset when I found out. I came into town specifically for the fitting (I also wanted to hang out with Mom & Dad, but that's beside the point!). Anyway, it was a big mess. A big, irritating mess. My next appointment is May 2, and if I call the week before and the dress is not done by then, I will have Mom go pick it up and get her money back. They are not getting any more of my money...What a buncha crooks! Every last one of 'em! (Okay, that's just hyperbole, but to me, taking someone's money and not doing the service agreed upon is a form of theft.)

In my last posting, I told about how I was looking for clothing that said, "HIRE ME!" Well, Mom and I went to The Limited and cleeeeeeeeaaaaaned uuuup! (Stretch it out for emphasis!) I now have three AMAZING new suits. My mom is amazing. There is no question about it.

Tomorrow, I will wear my cute new brown skirted suit to Education Interview Day. Goose Creek ISD (Baytown) is going to be there, and so far, that's the only school from Texas that will be present. I plan on visiting them and only them, (if there are no other Texas schools there) so maybe I will still be able to enjoy my afternoon off.

Friday is Honor's Day, so that means another day off for me (I feel spoiled this week with this time off!) and then Friday night I fly to Houston to meet my LOVE. Awesome. This week cannot move by quickly enough!

"You paint yourself white
and fill up with noise
but there'll be something missing."
-Radiohead, "Nude"

This week was ARMT/SAT 10 testing, so I was really looking forward to a week of no grading at home, no late afternoons at school, no real teaching to do. Monday through Wednesday were great days; I finished all my grading, the kids watched Radio and were pretty cooperative the whole time. Then, Wednesday night, I get a text from Mrs. R, saying that she was in a car wreck and wouldn't be there for the rest of the week (fortunately, she was feeling okay, just a little bruised and sore; thank God nothing else happened to her!).

The children behaved somewhat well in Mrs. R's absence, however, they are never as well behaved as when she is there. She is the rock upon which the classroom is built! Mrs. R's many absences (9 times this semester!) have really tested me as a future teacher because I get to have complete control over the classroom. There is a substitute present, but usually I am the one doing all the work.

Speaking of subsitutes... oh God. This week, the sub was someone we've never really known before. Today, she told my home room to "Shut the hell up".... Mrs. R is going to croak (hopefully not literally) when I tell her. She was nice enough, I just don't think that she understands that you completely undermine your authority as the teacher when you speak to students that way. I just hope no parents call. What a nightmare this could turn out to be.

Next week, Mrs. R and I start morning duty in the gym. I can predict that I will probably be in a bad mood the first hour or two of the day as a result. Poor students. They better not cross me! I'm hormonal and ready to write detentions!! :-)

This weekend is my second wedding dress fitting. I have been looking forward to it for so long! Dad is probably going to come with us to the dress shop... I wonder how he is going to react! Also, next Wednesday is Interview Day (education career fair), so Mom and I are going to hunt for me a new professional looking outfit that says, "Hire me!"

Well, it has been an insane two weeks. So much to do, and so much going on! I am now finally able to sit down and update!

The Monday after the ATL weekend, my LOVE came into town on a Greyhound bus. It was so good to see him in all his bearded glory! (Baby, I miss you and your beard, which is now gone!) Monday, we had a much needed date night. We went to Five Guys and then went to see The Reader. Tuesday, while I was at EMS, Rob hung out with his groomsman, Knox, and his wife, Mary. When I got out of school, I met them at their apartment, and later the four of us went and had sushi at Hokkaido... YUM!

Wednesday was a good day, even though it started off badly. Mrs. R gave me the day off to go to a doctor's appointment and to hang out with Rob... she is so sweet. In the morning, I went for my first annual exam since I was 18. The only details I will divulge is that is was highly unpleasant and painful. They started me on Ortho-Tri-Cyclen Lo, and I have had some interesting side effects (to be discussed later in the blog!). After we left the doctor, Rob took me to the mall, bought me a cookie, and took me shopping for skinny jeans, which I was very excited to find for only $20. We 86ed plans to hang out with friends that night, and instead watched "Milk" and "My Best Friend's Girl" at home while eating a Wal Mart pizza. A perfect night in, if you ask me! Unfortunatley, I had to take him back to the bus station at 11 for his long 15-hour trip back to Houston. It was so sad to see him go.

Thursday, Mrs. R had a doctor's appointment of her own, so I was left by myself to teach for most of the day. In other words, the sub didn't show up until 12:30. I had gone down to the office after block A to tell our PERMANENT SUB that the sub Mrs. R had put in for hadn't shown up (thinking that she would just come down for block B, seeing as her job title is "Permenant Sub"). FYI: It's illegal for a student teacher to be "alone" teaching the students; the cooperating teacher or a sub is supposed to be in the room at all times. Seeing as the administration didn't seem to mind that they were committing a crime by not MAKING the permanent sub come down, I decided to wash my hands of the situation. Despite the administration's errors, the day was actually really good. One of my "thugs" in Block B (who is a 15-year old 7th grader) came up to me and, without making eye contact with me, said, "Ms. H, I like the way you teach us," and swaggered out of the classroom. It was very flattering and surprising, to say the least! A sub finally showed up during the middle of block C, but the rest of the day was very very good.

Friday was our designated weather day, so I had the day off! Not knowing how I would spend my long weekend, I called Mom Thursday morning to tell her I would probably be coming home. She told me that she was going to meet my dad in Austin to visit Savannah, Andy, and Claire. She said, "Why don't you just come with me?!" So Thursday, after I left EMS, I ran home, hurriedly threw a bag together, grabbed Gus the cat, and drove to Mobile. Mom and I left Friday morning at about 6 AM, got to Bridge City and picked up Dad at about 11, and were in Austin by 5. Andy and Claire didn't know I was coming, so went sent them a picture message of me when we were almost there to give them a hint!

It was so good to see Savannah: she is growing so quickly! She sits up all by herself, puts her own pacifier in and out (sometimes she puts it in backwards!), and is not far at all from crawling. Saturday, we went to get Claire's bridesmaid dress (and HOT shoes!) and then to Babies R Us for some goodies for Savvy (including a whole set of CUPS for her to play with... for more info on Savvy's cup obsession, visit her mom's blog!). Saturday night, we went to Rudy's for some delicious Texas style barbecue and to watch Savannah entertain us and the entire restaurant!

Sunday was a LONG day. We left Austin at 5 or 6 AM, got to Bridge City at about 11 to drop Dad off, and finally got back to Mobile at 5 PM. I hung out with Mom, collected Gus (who was hiding under the bed after a very traumatic weekend in which he hissed at his Aunt Randi a lot), and finally got back to Tuscaloosa at about 9:30. I crawled into bed and was asleep by 11. The whole weekend, I was in the car for about 30 hours. Thank goodness I'm flying on my next trip to Texas.

[Now, back to what I said earlier about the side effects of my birth control:]
Monday, I started to feel really... hormonal. Everything the kids did just GRATED my nerves and I left school in a terrible mood, vowing to not apply to any more middle schools. Tuesday, I was so tired it was impossible for me to be in a good mood. The night before, I had been up late working on a speech for my night class, and I hadn't finished it, so I worked on that while the kids were working in the computer lab Tuesday. Fortunately, the speech went really well Tuesday night, so I treated myself to Five Guys, went home and was asleep by 9:30. Here's the funny part: Rob called at about midnight after he'd been out at an open mic and I don't remember anything about the conversation. Rob told me later it went something like this:

R: Hey baby!
A: Hey.
R: You asleep?
A: Yeah... why are you always calling me?!
R: Well, I just got home and wanted to talk to you.
A: I'm just sooooooo tiiiiiiired.
R: I'm sorry.
A: It's okay... I'm just tiiiiiiired [whinier now].

Or something like that. Basically, I was really mean to him and I don't even remember saying any of that at all! I apologized profusely the next day after he told me, but I hope it never happens again. I blame The Pill. Wednesday night, I had dinner with my bridesmaid Laine, who is also experiencing similar weirdness on The Pill. Thursday, Mrs. R had ANOTHER doctor's appointment, so it was me and a sub (who actually was reliable and showed up before I did!) and the day was relatively good.

That night, I was up late working on a review assignment for the kids on Friday, and I even had to wake up at 5:30 to finish it before I went to school. Needless to say, I felt like poop when I woke up Friday. I was nauseated beyond belief. I called Mom crying on the way to school, telling her that surely I wouldn't make it through the day. I guess when I got up and started teaching, I forgot about how crappy I felt, so I did make it through the day. I tried to eat during my morning break, but I had no appetite. (That's how I know I'm sick, when I don't have an appetite!) I actually had a really good day with my "problem" class, who were really pleasant and productive. That was nice.

By the end of Block D, I had no energy left and slumped out of the school by 3:20, came straight home and got in bed in all my nauseous glory. I slept till about 7:30, at which time I woke up, watched some movies, and tried to eat, but it actually felt better just to sit rather than try to move to the kitchen. (I'm scared of fainting when I'm at home alone for fear that I'll hit my head or something, so last night, I would crawl anywhere I needed to go.) I finally got to sleep around 12:30 and had to get up in the middle of the night and run to the bathroom. In the process, I almost fainted, so I ended up sleeping on the bathroom floor (so cold... so gloriously cold!) for about 15 minutes. I woke up at about 10 this morning, not feeling much better, but finally by about 3 I felt pretty decent. I actually got out of the house and got some food (which I didn't finish, but at least I ate something).

That should bring you up to speed pretty much. It's been an interesting few weeks. To recap:

I drove, I got moody, I got nauseous.

This weekend I went to Atlanta with Randi and Daryl to see Elton John and Billy Joel.... FANTASTIC! It's my second time seeing Elton but I really enjoyed both sets. Elton played "Levon", which he didn't play last time I saw him, so I was so excited to hear those opening notes on the piano! I wish he could hit the high notes like he used to, but I think he adapts the songs very well to work with his lower register. (Take this clip from "Madman Across the Water" for example). Also, I've never been a huge Billy Joel fan (never really been exposed to much of his music), but I really enjoyed his set and plan to get some of his music now.


While we were in Atlanta, we went the Aquarium. Fish, though slimy, unaffectionate, and delicious fried or grilled on rice, are awesome. I could have watched the fish for hours. I am that much of a tool. They have this long tunnel you can walk through that is right underneath this HUGE tank with sharks, big ol' grouper, and other fishy fish.

Shark door! (Rob, are you listening??)



The only thing wrong with this weekend is that Rob was unable to come. I miss that kid! (Insert him in the picture below! Also, if you enlarge it, you can see a whale shark!)


(Good Lord... My hair is TOO long!)

Rob may not have been able to come this weekend, but he will be here in about 16 hours!! He'll only be here till Wednesday night, but I am ready to see my BABY! I LOVE HIM!

Tonight, Dad and I had a conversation about the new U2 album. I gave him a copy a few weeks ago and I didn't know if he would actually listen to it, but apparently he did! Maybe I am getting through to him on how awesome they are! (Or maybe he's just being polite! Either way, it was awesome.) We talked about the song "Sometimes You Can't Make it on your Own" (not on the new album, but I had given him a copy to listen to along with the new album). I told him I had always thought of him when I listened to certain lines, and he agreed with me after he heard it. We talked for about an hour... awesome. I miss him.

Trying to get the house ready for Rob's visit. Another blog to come after his visit I'm sure! We're going to have a dinner/move date night! You have no idea how much I am looking forward to it!

After a bumpy few first weeks as a student teacher, I am starting to finally feel like a REAL teacher! I have been grateful to have a few small victories in the last few weeks.

It all started last Monday with a great evaluation from Dr. W, my university supervisor. It was the first evaluation she's given me that I haven't felt completly inadequate after! The lesson was for Read Across America Day (AKA: Dr. Seuss's birthday) I read my students Green Eggs and Ham and taught a lesson on demonstrative, comparative, and superlative adjectives.

Thursday was a great day. It may have started with the chocolate cake one of my wonderful students brought me that I ate during my first planning period, but for whatever reason, Thursday was relatively drama free. I had a wonderful review session with all my classes. I made a Power Point using their vocabulary words for their test. It had cartoons and some cute examples I thought they could relate to. After that, we worked on spelling by having students go to the board to spell the words. It turned into a contest between the classes to see which class could spell more words without having to have another student go up and correct them. Block B turned out to be the best class of the day! They were so cooperative and engaged, and I think they may have actually had some fun. Mrs. R passed me the sweetest note after the lesson and while the students were working on their review. The note said something like, "Great lesson! You have a great rapport with the students! Dr. W should have seen THIS one!" It was so encouraging! In the end, Block B ended up winning our spelling contest and so today we brought them juice and snacks.

Today, I was so proud of my block A students! I, for once, arrived early to school this morning. Mrs. R, however, was running late, but I was planning on teaching, so I already knew what we were going to be doing that day. I got in the classroom about 30 minutes early, ate my breakfast, wrote my agenda on the board, etc. and otherwise prepared for the day. My students started filing at about 7:50 and they were all wondering where Mrs. R was (Usually, they take her absence as a sign that we won't be doing anything that day, although that is never true!). I told the students that she was running late and to sit down and begin working on their advisory activity. Amazingly, within just a few minutes of the students arriving (we don't have bells, so there's not really an official "start time") they were all in their chairs with their pencils. I went over the advisory activity and they were quietly working when Mrs. R came in! (That made Ms. H look REALLY GOOD!)

Anyway, the rest of the day went without a hitch. I taught all day long, and though my lesson wasn't my favorite, the students were all well behaved and seemed to catch on somewhat. Dr. W came during Block A to observe me and didn't have anything really bad to say.

Tonight, I just feel relieved. I am so relieved that I am finally feeling adequate at this. I don't want to say good, because I know I have a lot to learn, but it's so good to feel like I am ready to be a first year teacher and survive it!

----

Okay, now for some non-work related news! I went home this weekend and Mom and I bought a lot of silk flowers, vases, marble fillers, etc, for the centerpieces. We had the best time playing around with arrangements! We really feel like we can do this! To us, it's proof that you don't need to hire a planner to have a beautiful wedding! YAY! I will post pictures soon.

Per my last post: my Civic is still not fixed. It's been a week since she went dead in the parking lot, and she would have been revived by now had the Honda dealer had the starter she needs! It has taken five days to get the starter from Tennessee and as of today, the starter has STILL not arrived to the dealer and is on a Fed Ex truck somewhere in Tuscaloosa. So I'm still rollin' in the scratched up rental car, which, by the way, smells like cigarettes and peach air freshener (ew!) and will not open from the inside on the rear passenger seat (as my mom discovered Sunday!). I am going to definitely make good on that promise to kiss the Civic on the hood when I see it.

This weekend brings a trip to Atlanta with Randi & Daryl to see Elton John and Billy Joel! I've seen Elton once on my birthday a few years ago (THANKS ANDY!) and I am so excited to be going back! Rob may get to come, but he is unsure if he can get off of work. If he can't come, I think my dear friend Laine will probably be coming as my date instead!

Okay, it's late! If I am going to be superteacher and get there early again tomorrow, I should go to bed! ;-) I will leave you with a great lyric from U2's new album, No Line on the Horizon. The song is "Magnificent" and I think it lives up to its name!

I was born
I was born to sing for you
I didn’t have a choice but to lift you up
And sing whatever song you wanted me to
I give you back my voice
From the womb my first cry, it was a joyful noise…

Only love, only love can leave such a mark
But only love, only love can heal such a scar

Justified till we die, you and I will magnify
The Magnificent
Magnificent

Well, it's been a good week so far, though I've had some issues! To clue you in on what issue that is, take a cue from my shampoo bottle:



Yep. Yesterday evening after I got home, I had greasy roots, frazzled ends, and my car wouldn't start. How terribly ironic, Aussie! Every day when I shower since I have bought this shampoo, I have been looking at this shampoo bottle thinking, "Well, it's a good thing I have an awesome, reliable car!" I spoke too soon! Fortunately, my car is under warranty and I have a rental car until mine gets fixed. The dealer had to order a part to fix it, so I don't know how long that will take. The rental car sucks, but it only makes me appreciate my car that much more. I may kiss the hood when I pick it up. Feel better, Civic!

This weekend I had the privilege of spending with my sister! We went to Birmingham and bought NOTHING, but we had fun nonetheless! Sunday morning, this is what we woke up to:

SNOW! On March 1st. What a weird place this is. Randi and I had a snowball skirmish (not really a fight, or a battle, but it was somewhat epic!) and built a tiny snowman:

(there he is, right below Randi's front fender on the grass!) There was a lot of snow when we woke up, but by the time Randi charged her camera battery, a lot of it was gone. It was wonderful to have shared this time with Randi! I would like to thank her for loaning me her camera (since mine is M.I.A... and I don't mean my camera is a pregnant rapper on the Grammys). The one negative part: I may have also stepped in snowy dog crap, and for that, I thank my neighbor and his hound.

One awesome thing that happened yesterday: My wonderful brother, Andy, agreed to officiate me and Rob's wedding! We are so excited about having Andy be such an important part of our big day.
L: Future husband. R: My awesome bro.

Thank GOD for Fridays. Never have I loved Fridays more than since I have started student teaching. It's not that my student teaching is hellish and I can't wait to leave at the end of the day--in fact, most of my days are quite good--but I just really REALLY look forward to coming home, putting on my PJs and sitting on my duff for a while. I love the freedom of not having something to do.

Today has been a particularly uneventful Friday with the exception of the tornado watch we were under at the end of the day. I had a meeting with my principal at 2, and after the meeting was over at 2:55 (ten minutes before we are supposed to dismiss the kids), one of the staff members came and said that there was a tornado watch in two neighboring counties. The buses had already arrived, but I suddenly had the fear that they might decide to hold the kids until the warning passed. This has happened before, and the kids have stayed at school till 6 PM. I found myself having visions of a ruined Friday night for me, until the administration finally decided to let to kids get on their buses five minutes late. (Maybe not the most responsible move... I mean how safe are you from a tornado on a school bus anyway?)

I realized today as I was leaving school that today has been the most drama-free day I have had yet in my student teaching. I didn't have to yell at any chumps or get any jokers in line (I'm using my supervising teacher's words here). In middle school teaching, I have learned that drama is just a part of classroom management. But today was a welcome change!

Monday is Read Across America Day (AKA: Dr. Seuss' birthday), and I am reading Green Eggs and Ham to my 7th graders and then using it to teach a grammar lesson. Let's hope it goes well!

As I write, I am expecting the arrival of my beautiful sister Randi! We are going to Birmingham tomorrow to look at wedding shoes (and whatever else we fancy!).

A music related thought: I think The Killers have written their best song yet: Dustland Fairytale. I've always liked The Killers' sound, but I guess I've never been particularly moved by Brandon Flower's lyrics until this song. I actually tear up when I listen to it. It's not surprising, I guess, because lately everything makes me cry! It's been a hard couple of weeks in my family and for Robert, but I think this song reminds me never to stop believing in God's plan for all of us. Anyway, check it out if you wish! I love the song and it has meant a lot to me these last few weeks.

A change came in disguise of revelation, set his soul on fire.
She said she always knew he'd come around.
And the decades disappear
Like sinking ships but we persevere.
God gives us hope but we still fear what we don't know.
Your mind is poisoned.

Castles in the sky, sit stranded, vandalized.
The drawbridge is closing.

Saw Cinderella in a party dress,
But she was looking for a nightgown.
I saw the devil wrapping up his hands,
He's getting ready for the showdown.
I saw the ending when they turned the page,
I threw my money and I ran away.
Sent to the valley of the great divide
Out where the dreams all hide.

Out where the wind don't blow,
Out here the good girls die.
And the sky moves slow
Out here the bird don't sing
Out here the field don't blow
Out here the bell don't ring
Out here the bell don't ring
Out here the good girls die

Now Cinderella don't you go to sleep,
it's such a bitter form of refuge.
Now don't you know the kingdom's under siege
And everybody needs you?
Is there still magic in the midnight sun,
Or did you leave it back in '61,
In the cadence of a young man's eyes,
Out where the dreams all hide?

After several months of reading Claire's blog in which she has beautifully detailed the first five months of my niece Savannah's life, I've decided to begin this blog as I enter a new, important phase in my life. Right now, I am in my second six weeks of student teaching 7th grade English at Eastwood Middle School. In a little over three months, I will be a college graduate (And looking for a job! Hire me? I can teach your children how to parse poems!). And most excitedly, in less than five months, I will be married to my best friend, Robert Allen Crowl. After the wedding on July 11, Gus the cat and I will pack it up and move to Houston to experience newlywed life and city life. So, with all of the big events happening in the next few months, I figure a blog is a more convenient mode of keeping everyone updated and myself sane.

In this blog, you can expect to find not only the day to day minutiae of the life of a student teacher/ fiance/ job seeker, but also musings on some of my favorite topics. They may be of no interest to anyone but Amy (that's me!) but I'm sure at some point I will want to blog about how much I adore Radiohead, funny things that happen in class, politics, or Gus the cat.

Speaking of which, Gus the cat is laying on some tissue paper asleep. I'm about to go to sleep myself!