Preface: There are two songs that have profoundly affected me in these last few weeks and I want to share them with you, if you'll let me.
I turned 23 just a few weeks ago. For the last few years, I have greatly anticipated turning 23 because of a very special Jimmy Eat World song of that name. The day before I turned 23, feeling on top of the world, I had my last day of student teaching, and drove to Mobile blasting this song out of my windows. I cried then, feeling so relieved to be through such a huge part of my life, and finally feeling ready to be a "grownup."
I felt for sure last night
That once we said goodbye
No one else will know these lonely dreams
No one else will know that part of me
I'm still driving away
And I'm sorry every day
I won't always love these selfish things
I won't always live...
Not stopping...
It was my turn to decide
I knew this was our time
No one else will have me like you do
No one else will have me, only you
You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine
Amazing still it seems
I'll be 23
I won't always love what I'll never have
I won't always live in my regrets
You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine
A month has not even passed since I turned my favorite age, and I've experienced the hardest part of growing up already: losing a loved one. I saw Grannie the weekend I graduated and had a wonderful weekend with her. We laughed, like we always do, and even got choked up over the same card that my mom gave me that said, "I think you've found your wings." (Grannie read this blog and knew exactly what it meant.) At the funeral, many wonderful things were said about her, but to me, she was the embodiment of Jesus' greatest commandment: "Love one another, as I have also loved you." She was endlessly tolerant and unselfish, completely giving of herself and her resources for her "family", which included those who were related to her, and a special few who weren't. Losing her was sudden and unexpected, like being punched the stomach. From the moment Mom called and said she was in the hospital, I had this overwhelming feeling of loss and I immediately missed her. We drove 17 hours each way to Odessa for the viewing and funeral. As beautiful and well planned as the funeral was, nothing can fill that feeling of loss that tugs at me. It feels like a wound that will never heal. My heart breaks for Granjack, who I know feels infinitely more wounded than me or anyone else can feel about her loss.
There is another song that has suddenly become very important to me because of these recent events. I never really connected to the song till now. Rob has always loved it, and for some reason had been fixated on it in the weeks before Grannie passed. Mom called me as Grannie was in her final hours, saying that Granjack, Dad, his siblings, and several others who had gone to Sherman, were refusing to leave Grannie's side. At the time, I didn't understand how they could sit and watch her suffer. Dad agonizingly watched the monitors slowing down as she slipped away just before midnight on May 15. Rob later said that this song, "What Sarah Said" by Deathcab for Cutie, fully describes what he and his family all were going through. I know he is right.
And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak on the LCD took you a little farther away from me
Away from me
Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds
But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself
'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said
That "Love is watching someone die"
So who's going to watch you die?
I turned 23 just a few weeks ago. For the last few years, I have greatly anticipated turning 23 because of a very special Jimmy Eat World song of that name. The day before I turned 23, feeling on top of the world, I had my last day of student teaching, and drove to Mobile blasting this song out of my windows. I cried then, feeling so relieved to be through such a huge part of my life, and finally feeling ready to be a "grownup."
I felt for sure last night
That once we said goodbye
No one else will know these lonely dreams
No one else will know that part of me
I'm still driving away
And I'm sorry every day
I won't always love these selfish things
I won't always live...
Not stopping...
It was my turn to decide
I knew this was our time
No one else will have me like you do
No one else will have me, only you
You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine
Amazing still it seems
I'll be 23
I won't always love what I'll never have
I won't always live in my regrets
You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine
A month has not even passed since I turned my favorite age, and I've experienced the hardest part of growing up already: losing a loved one. I saw Grannie the weekend I graduated and had a wonderful weekend with her. We laughed, like we always do, and even got choked up over the same card that my mom gave me that said, "I think you've found your wings." (Grannie read this blog and knew exactly what it meant.) At the funeral, many wonderful things were said about her, but to me, she was the embodiment of Jesus' greatest commandment: "Love one another, as I have also loved you." She was endlessly tolerant and unselfish, completely giving of herself and her resources for her "family", which included those who were related to her, and a special few who weren't. Losing her was sudden and unexpected, like being punched the stomach. From the moment Mom called and said she was in the hospital, I had this overwhelming feeling of loss and I immediately missed her. We drove 17 hours each way to Odessa for the viewing and funeral. As beautiful and well planned as the funeral was, nothing can fill that feeling of loss that tugs at me. It feels like a wound that will never heal. My heart breaks for Granjack, who I know feels infinitely more wounded than me or anyone else can feel about her loss.
There is another song that has suddenly become very important to me because of these recent events. I never really connected to the song till now. Rob has always loved it, and for some reason had been fixated on it in the weeks before Grannie passed. Mom called me as Grannie was in her final hours, saying that Granjack, Dad, his siblings, and several others who had gone to Sherman, were refusing to leave Grannie's side. At the time, I didn't understand how they could sit and watch her suffer. Dad agonizingly watched the monitors slowing down as she slipped away just before midnight on May 15. Rob later said that this song, "What Sarah Said" by Deathcab for Cutie, fully describes what he and his family all were going through. I know he is right.
And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak on the LCD took you a little farther away from me
Away from me
Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds
But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself
'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said
That "Love is watching someone die"
So who's going to watch you die?
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